Jack Kost

Sunday, June 1, 2025

Could You Be Abusing Someone On Behalf Of A Narcissist?

By Jodee Prouse

June 1, 2018

Today is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. Yes, believe it or not, it is a real thing. And it hurts.

We are all good people, right? At least, deep down, I hope we believe that; I mean, what person would intentionally, consciously, go out of their way to hurt and destroy another human being?

We probably have all been in contact with a narcissist at some point in our life. Maybe a boss. A friend. A neighbor. Or like me, even a member of your own immediate family.

Narcissists are very smart and calculating. They have had to be; they have been doing this for a very long time. They are self-absorbed, controlling, intolerant to others and their needs, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen, even though their front is a façade.

“Victimized narcissists” can say hurtful things, but if you dare say something back to defend yourself, you are the enemy and considered abusive. There is no sense in debating with a narcissist; they will shift the blame at all costs. They will never see things through your eyes; they are incapable of reflection or feeling empathy. For this reason, sadly, they don’t have the conscious insight that we do to know that they exhibit this behavior.

Narcissists will suck the life out of you and leave you struggling to breathe. Narcissists don’t care that they pit one family member against another, even sibling against sibling if the narcissist happens to be a parent. Yes, the most excruciating pain is the reality that moms and dads can also be narcissists, leaving their children sometimes hating each other. And the one that dares to speak out to this abuse is left feeling defeated, battered, and bruised by the people they love most in this world even though the wounds are invisible to the naked eye (which is another reason why innocent people get caught in the trap of defending the narc).

And if the relationship becomes so intolerable with a narc that you are forced to make a painful decision of quitting your job, moving, ending a friendship, getting a divorce, or even going low or no contact with one or both of the people who brought you into this world, you become public enemy number one; the narc will attempt to destroy you and your reputation at all costs.

“Narcissist’s will DESTROY your life and erode your self-esteem. They do it with such PERSUASION that you are left feeling like YOU are the one letting them down.”

A narcissist’s public persona is very important to them, which is why they don’t publicly attack you—that would make them look bad. Instead, they carefully choose people in their circle to be their puppets. The narc delivers believable-sounding lies to sympathetic ears, ones that can be easily manipulated. Of course, very decent, loving, caring individuals can be caught in the trap of the narcissist and innocently become what is called “flying monkeys.”

A Flying Monkey? Up until a few months ago, I had never even heard the term. But I felt attacked from all directions and so on my quest to understand and survive this abuse I found this in Wikipedia and finally it all made perfect sense. The complicated pieces all came together in my mind: “Flying monkeys is a phrase used in popular psychology mainly in the context of narcissistic abuse. They are people who act on behalf of a narcissist to a third party, usually for an abusive purpose. Flying monkeys are distinct from enablers…. Enablers just allow or cover for the narcissist’s (abuser’s) own bad behavior.”

This is a phrase made popular by the movie The Wizard of Oz — the Wicked Witch sent her flying monkeys after Dorothy and her friends. In most cases, it is a humorous way of saying “Don’t make me come after you.” But there is nothing humorous about being hated and harassed by a flying monkey on its mission to destroy an innocent person. It is unfair, cruel and causes more pain to someone that is already struggling.

So, beware.

You may be a flying monkey if:

You find yourself believing gossip, even though the facts don’t add up.

You are an adult, yet you take sides, instead of staying impartial.

You are mad, stop speaking to someone and possibly hate someone else who has done nothing to you at all.

You accept someone’s version of the truth although you have no first-hand knowledge of the story.

You believe that the one you are defending is the only one deserving of sympathy.

You are overly involved, feeling the need to defend at all costs.

You are attacking someone else over something that quite frankly is none of your business.

And what should you do if you are on the receiving end of this hatred and smear campaign either from a narcissist or their flying monkey?

It is easier said than done sometimes, but keep calm and do not engage. DON’T ENGAGE. The narc is looking for you to react. It gives them fuel. Strength. Power. And they hate nothing more than the silent treatment, as they are then not getting their narcissistic supply.

Breathe. Ignore it. Read books and articles on narcissism. See a therapist. Write. Cry (it does make you feel better). Cry some more if you have to. Heal. Keep breathing.

Live a beautiful, healthy, productive, and happy life and don’t look back. Narcissists hate that and it does make them angrier. But don’t do it out of spite; do it because you are entitled to that. You are. And never let anyone make you feel guilty or beaten down or ashamed that you choose to do what is best for your life.

We are all responsible for our choices and behaviors and the consequences. Knowledge is a gift and you can always change. Say sorry. Forgive. So, if you believe that you have unintentionally been used by a narcissist as their flying monkey, what you do with that knowledge is up to you. But know that, moving forward, what you do now IS intentional and conscious.

Jodee Prouse is a Sister. Wife. Mom. Friend. And outspoken advocate to help empower ACOA’s through their journey of life; trauma, truth, addiction & breaking free from family chaos to live YOUR best life. She is the author of the powerful memoir, The Sun is Gone: A Sister Lost in Secrets, Shame, and Addiction and How I Broke Free.

https://www.todayville.com/could-you-be-abusing-someone-on-behalf-of-a-narcissist/

In support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery.

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD).

Recommended websites for research and recovery:

http://www.wnaad.com/

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

http://www.innerintegration.com/

http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/

https://kimsaeed.com/

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

https://eclecticalu.blogspot.com/

https://micheleleenieves.com/

https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/

Twitter hashtags:

#AbuseByProxy #Adultery #AgainstBullying #BackStabbers #ClusterB #CPTSD #Enablers #FlirtingIsCheating #FlyingMonkeys #Gaslighting #HealingFromCPTSD #IAmEnough #IAmStillStanding #IfMyWoundsWereVisible #Infidelity #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #Narcissist #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticSupply #Psychopath #PsychopathFree #SmearCampaign #Sociopath #ThrivingAfterNarcissisticAbuse #TwoFaced #WNAAD

What’s a Narcissist’s Punishment?

By Darius Cikanavicius

Author, Certified Coach

How Abusers Get Away with Their Behavior

People with strong narcissistic, psychopathic, or sociopathic tendencies, abusers, manipulators, and otherwise harmful people tend to hurt others. Sometimes they do it overtly, even proudly, and in other cases it’s covert or maybe even unconscious. Sometimes it’s well planned and calculated, while other times it’s careless and reactionary.

Sometimes these people are identified and are forced to accept the consequences of their wrongdoings, while other times they get away with their behavior. And in certain social environments they, horrifyingly, are rewarded for their narcissistic and otherwise hurtful behavior.

It’s no surprise that people who like to abuse and manipulate others tend to look for positions of power. They seek careers as CEO’s, lawyers, politicians, police officers, celebrities, and so on. Some go into helping and teaching fields and work as doctors, therapists, priests, or teachers.

All of it serves two purposes. One, you have (legal) power over others. And two, you are perceived as respectable, educated, even caring, so you increase your chances of getting away with your bad behavior.

On top of that, people with malignant narcissistic tendencies can be really smart and cunning. They become experts at gaslighting, deception, and manipulation, so much so that they confuse others by their behavior but no one can quite put their finger on why. Many bystanders don’t even care about the truth. These kinds of people flourish in today’s outrage culture since many people are lightning quick to find a reason to feel angry and act out, and consequently they are easily controlled and manipulated by those seeking power over others.

As a result of all of those and other factors, hurtful people sometimes get away with their behavior with no negative consequences. Or do they?

What’s a Perpetrator’s Punishment?

While sometimes it is indeed true that there are no significant external consequences for a hurtful person’s actions, it’s not that simple either. There are always internal consequences for everything. And this is what matters the most.

Sadly, it’s true that sometimes our society tends to reward certain narcissistic behaviors and character traits: power, deception, aggressive behavior, possessions, and other status symbols. But if we understand that these things don’t bring us a true sense of happiness, then we don’t see them as huge rewards. In many cases, they can be seen as punishments more than rewards because the person valuing and receiving it is less likely to change and grow.

If status symbols were an accurate indicator of true happiness, then all these rich, famous, powerful people would be the happiest people in the world: CEOs, politicians, celebrities, famous Internet people, etc. But to anybody who understands anything about psychology it is quite clear that they are not happy people. Some of them even kill themselves because they would rather be dead than stay in their toxic social and internal environment, despite of all the money, power, fame, sex, and acclaim that they have accumulated.

Do you think people who beat, rape, shout at, con, and otherwise abuse others are happy people? Do you think you can abuse a child and still be a genuinely happy person? Do you think you can sexually and physically abuse someone and feel authentic happiness?

Do you think it really matters that some of them have money or a respectable job? Sure, money can provide a sense of safety, and having social power can indeed be useful. But ultimately, the price that they pay for it is an even bigger loss of self. This makes their feelings of misery and self-loathing even stronger. And it’s not like they wake up one day and change their mind and behavior. All the lies, deception, hiding, being abusive, creating stories and justifications, fighting with people—all of it continues to spread and pile up.

Eventually decent people don’t want to associate with them, but they are older and more miserable, so they start feeling more and more desperation. Some of them try to change their behavior out of fear of mortality or loneliness or need for narcissistic supply. Some try to guilt-trip or shame or bully others into giving them resources, but it becomes harder and harder.

You can’t concentrate on external things and status symbols and be happy. You can’t be happy and abusive at the same time. You can’t mistreat and manipulate others and be happy. That’s not what real happiness is about.

Real happiness comes from within, from a strong sense of self, from growing as a human being, from being a decent person. So, if your core self is rotten, if you are severely disconnected, if you are not growing, and if you are a hurtful person, it’s impossible to be genuinely happy. The best you can do is desperately manage your shaky and skewed false self.

So, what’s a malignant narcissist’s punishment?

It’s their existence. It’s their inner prison. It’s waking up every day into their life that—despite possessions, power, and status symbols that they may have—they hate deep down. And then one day they die, and it’s all over. That’s the sad reality of a wasted and miserable life. And that’s their natural punishment.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2017/12/narcissists-punishment/

In support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery.

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD).

Recommended websites for research and recovery:

http://www.wnaad.com/

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

http://www.innerintegration.com/

http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/

https://kimsaeed.com/

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

https://eclecticalu.blogspot.com/

https://micheleleenieves.com/

https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/

Twitter hashtags:

#AbuseByProxy #Adultery #AgainstBullying #BackStabbers #ClusterB #CPTSD #Enablers #FlirtingIsCheating #FlyingMonkeys #Gaslighting #HealingFromCPTSD #IAmEnough #IAmStillStanding #IfMyWoundsWereVisible #Infidelity #MicroAggression #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #Narcissist #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticSupply #Psychopath #PsychopathFree #SmearCampaign #Sociopath #ThrivingAfterNarcissisticAbuse #TwoFaced #WNAAD

Excerpt from: In Sheep’s Clothing, by Dr. George Simon:

The Slot Machine Syndrome:

There’s a syndrome that can develop in abusive, manipulative relationships that prompts a victim to stay even when they've often thought about leaving. I call it the Slot Machine Syndrome. Anyone who's played one of those "one-armed bandits" knows that it's difficult to stop pulling the lever even when you're losing pretty badly. There are primarily four reasons why a person can get trapped in this syndrome. First, there's the appeal of the "jackpot." People often jump at the chance to get a lot of something that's very valuable to them for what initially appears a relatively small investment. Second, whether or not you will get anything for your efforts depends only on the degree to which you are willing to "respond" (behaviorists call this a ratio schedule of reinforcement). With a slot machine, you have to do a lot of "responding" (investing) to even have a chance at winning. Third, every now and then, a "cherry" (or some similar small jackpot) appears and you "win" a little something. This reinforces the idea that your investment is not for naught and that "winning" a larger payoff is really possible if you just keep investing. Fourth, after you've been worn down by the machine's "abuse" and are tempted to walk away, you're faced with a most difficult dilemma. If you leave, you leave behind a substantial investment. You not only have to walk away from your "abuser," but from a huge chunk of yourself. To disengage with nothing to show for your time and energy but a broken spirit is hard to do. You're tempted to delude yourself by saying: "If I just put in one more quarter..."

Dr. George Simon is the author of:

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People.
&
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age.

http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/

In support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery:

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD).

Recommended websites for research and recovery:

http://www.wnaad.com/

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

http://www.innerintegration.com/

http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/

https://kimsaeed.com/

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

https://eclecticalu.blogspot.com/

http://www.doctor-ramani.com/

https://micheleleenieves.com/

https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/

Twitter hashtags:

#AbuseByProxy #Adultery #AgainstBullying #BackStabbers #ClusterB #CPTSD #Enablers #FlirtingIsCheating #FlyingMonkeys #Gaslighting #HealingFromCPTSD #IAmEnough #IAmStillStanding #IfMyWoundsWereVisible #Infidelity #MicroAggression #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #Narcissist #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticSupply #Psychopath #PsychopathFree #SmearCampaign #Sociopath #ThrivingAfterNarcissisticAbuse #TwoFaced #WNAAD

Fred Rogers ... on an aspect of evil:

I think that those who would try to make you feel less than who you are,

I think that's the greatest evil.

- Fred Rogers. Won't You Be My Neighbor? (2018).

-----------

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD).

Recommended websites for research and recovery:

http://www.wnaad.com/

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

http://www.innerintegration.com/

http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/

https://kimsaeed.com/

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

https://eclecticalu.blogspot.com/

https://micheleleenieves.com/

https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/

Twitter hashtags:

#AbuseByProxy #Adultery #AgainstBullying #BackStabbers #ClusterB #CPTSD #Enablers #FlirtingIsCheating #FlyingMonkeys #Gaslighting #HealingFromCPTSD #IAmEnough #IAmStillStanding #IfMyWoundsWereVisible #Infidelity #NarcissisticAbuse #NPD #Narcissism #Narcissist #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Psychopath #PsychopathFree #SmearCampaign #Sociopath #ThrivingAfterNarcissisticAbuse #TwoFaced #WNAAD

Excerpt from Psychopath Free, by Jackson MacKenzie:

A Letter to the Next Target:

In nearly every toxic relationship, there is another partner: the replacement. At first, this person is the main source of contention and hatred in your recovery journey. They are presumed to be the home-wrecker. They ran off happily with your soul mate, flaunting themselves all over Facebook for the world to see. You became the crazy, jealous ex. This person stole your dream.

But with time, you come to see that this person actually saved your life.

This is a letter for every “next target.” I’m not suggesting you send it to anyone. That wouldn’t accomplish a thing and would only serve to hurt you, pull you back in. But we all want to get to the point where we can write this letter, and I suspect we would all wish, in retrospect, that it was a letter we were sent.

Dear __________:

I cannot reach you directly, for it would only send me back into a world of insanity that I have no desire to revisit. But I can hope that you might come across this letter and learn that there are always two sides to every story. You have already been told one. Here is the other.

I hated you. I watched you run off with the love of my life, happily and shamelessly showing the world what you had done. It took me weeks to realize that the infidelity had been going on long before our relationship ended. It took me months to realize that my pain and tears were used as a device to manufacture your sympathy. And now it will take me years to recover from the insecurity that comes from being triangulated with another person.

But I do not hate you anymore. I fear for you.

Although we have different personalities, bodies, and spirits—when it comes to this relationship, we are no different.

You see, I once rode the high that you’re currently riding. I was the special one. The most beautiful, perfect, flawless partner in the world. I saved them from the pain inflicted by their last, crazy ex. I sympathized with them about how horribly they were treated. I was elated to be the one who finally made them happy after all of their alleged suffering. They were fascinated by me. They spent every waking moment texting me and showering me with attention.

Does this sound familiar?

One must wonder, in this short span of time, how I suddenly became crazy. Bipolar. Jealous. Needy. Clingy. Abusive. How did that happen? Is it really possible for a person to go from flawless to horrible in the blink of an eye? And furthermore, is it really possible that their previous ex was all of these things as well? And what about the ex before that?

The common denominator has become startlingly clear.

For so long, I punished myself. I truly believed that I deserved my pain. Something must be wrong with me, I thought, in order for them to run off into the sunset with another person. But then I realized, I was once that person. I was you.

And because of that, I understand that I can never save you from this nightmare. Victims of psychopaths cannot escape once they have been groomed. For the rest of your relationship, you will deny reality and invent reasons that you might be the exception. You will lie to yourself, desperately trying to re-create your perfect dream. But ever so slowly, your identity will begin to fall apart. They will push your boundaries until you don’t even know who you are anymore.

Another person will enter the scene. It is inevitable in relationships with narcissistic predators. You will be strung along for as long as possible, as I once was. Your increasingly volatile reactions will be used against you, to evoke sympathy from the new target.

And eventually, you will be me.

This is why I fear for you. I would not wish the pain and suffering I’ve experienced on anyone. I know that your intentions were not malicious. I know that you were being spoon-fed the exact same lies I believed a long time ago.

The story you’ve been told is false. It was a pity ploy, designed to enhance your fairy tale and consume your heart. You will not believe that today, but someday this letter will make sense. Brutal, heartbreaking sense.

I can only hope that the aftermath of your abuse might be guided by this letter. I can only hope that this might provide you with the tools that I was never given. A puzzle piece, to jump-start your journey.

I do not hate you. That is what they would want.

I will not carry on their legacy by taking part in these triangles anymore, injecting jealousy and hatred to fill the void of their soul.

I’ve made it through to the other side, and I know you can, too. Please have the same empathy for the person who replaces you. We can only ever stop this cycle of abuse with compassion for one another, by recognizing that all human beings deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and honesty.

Wishing you love, hope, and above all: freedom.

Jackson MacKenzie is the author of Psychopath Free & Whole Again: