By Anonymous.
Posted by Kim Saeed.
I lay on the bed. It was about to
happen again. I had a sick sensation beginning from my torso and upward. The
sensation coursed up and slowly to my head every time – following the
hallucinations.
I had lost over twenty pounds in two
weeks and the doctors could find nothing wrong. I would become violently sick
at times, only to lie in bed and hallucinate other times. Still no diagnosis. The
high-priced antibiotics did nothing for my condition. They suspected food
poisoning, but food poisoning does not last for four months. However, other
poisoning can…such as a slow and deliberate poisoning.
As I lay in bed, I could hear my
then-wife speaking with someone on the phone. She sounded angry. And she
should’ve been angry with me for being this sick (this is genuinely what I
thought at the time). She would occasionally peer in the door just to look at
me, then close it and resume her argument…with whom I didn’t know. At the time
I suspected it was her mother, though now I recognize it was her boyfriend. Who
– by the way – mysteriously died during our divorce proceedings several years
later. Did he know too much? We will never know. It’s strange how this 39-year-old,
healthy man died in the middle of our divorce. (Not to mention, several other
men who were involved with her in some way – and all of their pets.)
This was still not my wake-up call
to an insanely abusive relationship at the hands of the woman I thought loved
me. That would come later. Much later.
I mysteriously recovered, but still
experience tell-tale symptoms to this day. This is only the tip of the lying
iceberg I married.
I will characterize her this way –
she was never happy. She never smiled genuinely. She was impossible to get
close to and never showed one ounce of gratitude, no matter how much I did for
her. One Friday in particular, I had gotten off work early. I’d mowed and
preened the lawn to perfection, cleaned the house (laundry included), made
dinner arrangements for the kids (for when they got home from private school),
and made dinner arrangements for the two of us. I bought flowers and wine to be
at the ready for when she pulled up from her part time job as a teacher (really
more of a glorified daycare worker as she has no degree).
As I sat in the perfect evening sun,
I knew there was nothing she could complain about. It was all done. Nice home,
thriving businesses, caring husband, great kids… But no, I was wrong.
I finally got the nerve to ask her.
“Why can’t you say something nice? Anything? Why can’t you just say something
nice to me?”
Her response, “I’m not going to kiss
your ass”.
THIS was my wake-up call. I finally
realized I had wasted all of my time and was about to be dragged through
divorce court. And any man who’s been with one of these women knows how
devastating this can be as they tear apart everything you worked for and divide
it between the “wife” and the lawyers. The men and children lose nearly every
single time in that arena.
But this isn’t how a narcissistic
spouse views it. They love it. They relish in the drama and mess. It was
apparent she loved every minute of it.
To go back a decade and a half, you
would not know that this was going to happen. She at least pretended to love me. She was my
other half. We did many things together early on, only to have her turn into
something entirely different. Perhaps early on, I had lost my temper and I was
not perfect, to be fair. But I now know how these situations can be provoked,
especially if you are a young man. So, I was always trying to “make up” for any
misgivings, but I never was able to. They were held against me every day for
years and years. Never mind any of hers. Those were off limits.
I questioned things she had said
that did not make sense only to be met with her fits of crying. I could never
get a straight answer. By this time, we’d had our first child and it was clear
that I must stay committed and do my best with this (I realize now)
narcissistic personality-disordered person. And I did. I gave it my
best…every…single…day. But it was never enough. I was only met with sour
attitudes, put-downs and a general sense of dread. The air was always thick
with her contempt for me.
Most days were filled with silent
treatments and punishments…for what, I don’t know. I was always compared to
others that were supposedly “better” than me. She reserved her kindness and
manners for anyone that wasn’t me or my friends. Later, all of my friends (but
one) said she used to give them snotty looks when I wasn’t looking. I guess
this was her attempt to isolate me from people who cared about me. And she was
successful to some extent. On this note I would like to describe meeting new
people that she already knew. Almost without exception, if I were introduced
(which was rare) to someone she already knew, they would be very cool and
stand-offish. I realize now this is what’s referred to as a smear campaign. I
also know it happened the whole time I was with her. I just couldn’t get it
until much later. I will never know what was said about me, but it is clear it
was not good. I had a reputation that
preceded me wherever she’d gone first. Playing the victim is very powerful. She
had this down to a “t”.
Lies, deception, put-downs, veiled
threats and emotional terrorism. This is what I lived through and with for
nearly twenty years. I did not know better at the time. I thought eventually
she would be happy. But, being happy never works for the narcissist. It doesn’t
fit the script. But a dead husband with a life insurance policy does. Not only
would she benefit financially, but just think of all the sympathy she would
get! Oh, that poor woman. Her husband has died. Now her bank account is fat and
her lover had to take over to help with the estate. Poor, poor little waif. And
he was so young!
But I ruined the plan. I did not
die. I don’t know if she ran out of poison or just gave up. To this day, I have
a briefcase full of evidence that investigators do not want to see. I pity the poor fellow she is with now. I
would tell him, but he wouldn’t believe me. Like everyone else the narcissist
knows, he has been co-opted into her drama. Besides, I would merely be a jilted
ex-husband who just needs to “get over it”.
Towards the end of the divorce, I
had not even a chance to know what I had done wrong. What did I do to deserve
this kind of treatment? She never told me except to say, “I didn’t tell, and
now it’s too late!” Crazy thinking. She did tell me that she wanted to “drive
with the windows down and the radio loud” and that was why she was tearing
everything I worked so hard for to shreds.
Maybe in her shallow mind that was
reason enough.
Who cares what anyone else wants? Who cares if they don’t fit the narcissist’s
drama? I can tell you; the end began when I started asking for
something…anything. A kind word. A thank you. Anything. I began to “wake up”
and started seeing her for the monster she is. Then I became obsolete in her
world. It was time to take everything she could from me. That was her cue. I
was on to her.
Very strange, how she treated me at
the end. As if she were mailing an envelope, or making a phone call. Just
business. No emotion whatsoever, as she went about destroying everything that
meant anything to me.
Thank God I finally woke up.
It does get better. Today I don’t
have nearly the panic attacks I once had. I am virtually “no contact” with her
and some of the other people in my life, who I now recognize as personality
disordered. I am thankful that I have the rest of my life to be happy and away
from such evil…and make no mistake, narcissists are evil. They will chew up
your soul if you let them.
Today I have no intention of letting
anyone do anything like that ever again. I am sane. I am clear. I am whole.
Please share,
Anonymous.
https://kimsaeed.com/2015/05/08/in-his-words-a-poisonous-relationship-a-story-of-betrayal-and-death/
In
support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery.
June
1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
Day (WNAAD).
Recommended
websites for research and recovery:
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#Infidelity #MicroAggression #NarcissisticAbuse
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