A Letter to the Next Target:
In nearly every toxic relationship,
there is another partner: the replacement. At first, this person is the main source
of contention and hatred in your recovery journey. They are presumed to be the
home-wrecker. They ran off happily with your soul mate, flaunting themselves
all over Facebook for the world to see. You became the crazy, jealous ex. This
person stole your dream.
But with time, you come to see that
this person actually saved your life.
This is a letter for every “next
target.” I’m not suggesting you send it to anyone. That wouldn’t accomplish a
thing and would only serve to hurt you, pull you back in. But we all want to
get to the point where we can write this letter, and I suspect we would all
wish, in retrospect, that it was a letter we were sent.
Dear __________:
I cannot reach you directly, for it
would only send me back into a world of insanity that I have no desire to
revisit. But I can hope that you might come across this letter and learn that
there are always two sides to every story. You have already been told one. Here
is the other.
I hated you. I watched you run off
with the love of my life, happily and shamelessly showing the world what you
had done. It took me weeks to realize that the infidelity had been going on
long before our relationship ended. It took me months to realize that my pain
and tears were used as a device to manufacture your sympathy. And now it will
take me years to recover from the insecurity that comes from being triangulated
with another person.
But I do not hate you anymore. I
fear for you.
Although we have different
personalities, bodies, and spirits—when it comes to this relationship, we are
no different.
You see, I once rode the high that
you’re currently riding. I was the special one. The most beautiful, perfect,
flawless partner in the world. I saved them from the pain inflicted by their
last, crazy ex. I sympathized with them about how horribly they were treated. I
was elated to be the one who finally made them happy after all of their alleged
suffering. They were fascinated by me. They spent every waking moment texting
me and showering me with attention.
Does this sound familiar?
One must wonder, in this short span
of time, how I suddenly became crazy. Bipolar. Jealous. Needy. Clingy. Abusive.
How did that happen? Is it really possible for a person to go from flawless to
horrible in the blink of an eye? And furthermore, is it really possible that
their previous ex was all of these things as well? And what about the ex before
that?
The common denominator has become
startlingly clear.
For so long, I punished myself. I
truly believed that I deserved my pain. Something must be wrong with me, I
thought, in order for them to run off into the sunset with another person. But
then I realized, I was once that person. I was you.
And because of that, I understand
that I can never save you from this nightmare. Victims of psychopaths cannot
escape once they have been groomed. For the rest of your relationship, you will
deny reality and invent reasons that you might be the exception. You will lie
to yourself, desperately trying to re-create your perfect dream. But ever so
slowly, your identity will begin to fall apart. They will push your boundaries
until you don’t even know who you are anymore.
Another person will enter the scene.
It is inevitable in relationships with narcissistic predators. You will be strung
along for as long as possible, as I once was. Your increasingly volatile
reactions will be used against you, to evoke sympathy from the new target.
And eventually, you will be me.
This is why I fear for you. I would
not wish the pain and suffering I’ve experienced on anyone. I know that your
intentions were not malicious. I know that you were being spoon-fed the exact
same lies I believed a long time ago.
The story you’ve been told is false.
It was a pity ploy, designed to enhance your fairy tale and consume your heart.
You will not believe that today, but someday this letter will make sense.
Brutal, heartbreaking sense.
I can only hope that the aftermath
of your abuse might be guided by this letter. I can only hope that this might
provide you with the tools that I was never given. A puzzle piece, to
jump-start your journey.
I do not hate you. That is what they
would want.
I will not carry on their legacy by
taking part in these triangles anymore, injecting jealousy and hatred to fill
the void of their soul.
I’ve made it through to the other
side, and I know you can, too. Please have the same empathy for the person who
replaces you. We can only ever stop this cycle of abuse with compassion for one
another, by recognizing that all human beings deserve to be treated with
respect, kindness, and honesty.
Wishing you love, hope, and above
all: freedom.
Jackson MacKenzie is the author of Psychopath
Free & Whole Again:
In
support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery.
June
1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
Day (WNAAD).
Recommended
websites for research and recovery:
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