How do you know the one you love won’t hurt you?
Or even try to kill you?
In many cases … you don’t.
Sometimes, our enemies are those closest to us.
Three Steps Through Hell
In The Breaker, Seth becomes romantically involved with Penny.
They eventually get married and everything seems fine at first.
Sound familiar?
But, as in real-life, a relationship with a malignant narcissist will go through three distinct stages:
Idealization, Devaluation and Discard.
Idealization:
This is the dating or honeymoon phase.
Be prepared to be romanced.
Hear everything you ever wanted to hear.
Be promised the world and a rosy future.
This part of the process is called: Future Faking.
You will believe all your dreams have come true and you met your soul-mate … because that’s exactly what they want you to believe.
You are being lied to and manipulated.
Devaluation:
When they have you right where they want you, their claws are sunk in, they drop the act and the mask of charm they were hiding behind during the love bombing Idealization phase.
By now, the narcissist is already bored with you.
There’s no thrill of the chase element left in the relationship.
Narcissists get bored very quickly.
They need a thrill-a-minute life, and you are no longer it.
This is where they get a new source of narcissistic supply, a secret lover, they are grooming to be your replacement.
During this stage, the narcissist is hitting you with endless criticisms, complaints, and insults.
You will find that nothing you say or do is ever right or good enough to please them.
You are being lied to and manipulated.
Discard:
The end has come.
The narcissist replaces you and your replacement may or may not know you exist.
You are kicked to the curb.
Dumped.
Divorced.
Left mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially drained and broken.
To make matters worse, you will be blamed for it all.
You were lied to and manipulated.
Seth eventually learns that Penny is capable of anything.
Like Penny, the woman I was in a relationship with, ran her family and social circle like a cult, as the self-appointed matriarch.
In time, she revealed herself as a pathological liar; only happy when others were hurting and fighting, a trouble-maker who instigated drama and feuds.
Her priorities were herself, money, and status, as she sought dominance, power, and control over those around her.
As time went by, her behavior, to put it mildly, turned bizarre, impulsive, mercurial, and volatile.
When things inevitably went bad between us, she recruited her relatives and close friends, and made me the focus of a smear campaign.
I experienced first-hand what it felt like to be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, forced to deal with flying monkeys and enablers.
Some were duped and ignorant, unable to see her for who and what she really was, and the vicious game she played; others were in on it.
It was hell.
Enablers & Flying Monkeys
When narcissistic groups band together to victimize, provoke and attack a scapegoated target, as part of their smear campaign, the intended target is lured to a suitable place where they are outnumbered and mobbed.
These incidents are premeditated and carefully planned far in advance.
In The Breaker, Penny recruits her four brothers as flying monkeys against Seth.
Whenever Seth visits their homes, he finds himself the target of microaggression; insults disguised as jokes, provocations, taunts, in a series of staged, sadistic mind games.
Seth eventually realizes he is being set-up.
The abuse gets worse, more intense over time, feeling like death by a thousand cuts.
Seth uses the defensive gray rock technique.
Reminds himself: do not engage, until he can leave and go no contact.
He keeps a journal and documents the abuse.
I have no time or tolerance for anyone who willingly assists a narcissist.
Anyone who watches and assists as someone is being insulted, taunted, and hurt, in any way, are as sadistic as the narcissist leading the pack.
They may not say anything, but their silence makes them complicit.
Silence tells the narcissist they have won, they can get away with anything, and the enablers will protect them.
Be mindful of anyone who denies what happened, even though they witnessed it.
They talk it down, and claim the narcissist didn’t mean it, that it was all just a joke.
Are obtuse when asked, and play dumb.
Minimize your pain.
Tell you it’s your fault for being too sensitive.
Make excuses and lie for the narcissist.
Say you imagined it, or it wasn’t as bad as you think.
This is gaslighting: an attempt to make you doubt your reality.
Enablers and flying monkeys have skin in the game.
They know what’s happening.
They are adults that know better.
They have no excuse.
They know right from wrong.
They just don’t care.
So long as someone else is the narcissist’s target, and not them, they are happy to go along.
They won’t speak up to defend you because they don’t want the narcissist to turn on them.
They are cowards, weak, cowed, submissive and subservient … siding with the bully, so they won’t become the bully’s next target.
They don’t want to be in the firing line of all that spite and rage.
So … they go along with the abuse.
Look away.
Stare intently at the TV, computer, or phone screen.
Ignore the abuse.
Pretend it’s not happening.
Or … even worse … join in.
Laugh at your expense.
You might even catch them exchanging a sly smirk with the narcissist in charge.
This is more concentrated in environments and social settings like work-place cliques, or dysfunctional family units that operate like a cult.
Or any environment where groups target a scapegoat for persecution.
The crowd engage in mobbing, group-think, and bandwagon behavior.
The enablers and flying monkeys are just as bad, just as evil, and just as guilty as the narcissist.
The reason:
The narcissist wouldn’t get away with it if they didn’t have their entourage to support, shield and help.
Lying on their behalf, giving them a pass, and an alibi.
If the situation was the other way around, and it was the enabler/flying monkey on the receiving end of the narcissist’s petulant mind games and rage … they wouldn’t like it.
They wouldn’t find it smart or funny if it was done to them.
Often, all it takes to be targeted for abuse … is to be different, to stand by your individuality, and refuse to be manipulated.
In The Breaker, Seth comes to the conclusion that he is hated by Penny and her family for the same reason, because he saw through their act, and saw them for who and what they really were.
It’s fine to be yourself.
You don’t need anyone else’s approval or permission.
Be different.
Be an individual.
Be original.
Also, be prepared:
Your individuality will spark jealousy and resentment with narcissists because, for the most part, they are all the same.
Many of them are fake and, although they’ll never admit it, deep down … they know it.
Enablers and flying monkeys also serve as a buffer.
By acting on the narcissist’s behalf, abusing a target at the narcissist’s behest, the narcissist in charge can then stand back and observe from a safe distance.
If the situation goes bad, the narcissist will then throw the enabler/flying monkey under the bus and claim to be innocent, saying something like:
“It wasn’t me that did/said it – it was him/her.”
As Seth points out to Penny and her brother:
If you see what the malignant narcissist is doing and you say and do nothing to stop it … you are an enabler.
If you are in on it, doing the narcissist’s bidding, taking an active part in a smear campaign, provoking and attacking the victim … you are a flying monkey.
Are you proud of yourself?
Do you have the character to apologize to the victim, stand up to the narcissist, and change your behavior?
You’re an adult – you know what you’re doing!
Don’t be fooled by an enabler / flying monkey, no matter who they are.
If they lie to you, belittle you, act on behalf of the narcissist, they are toxic.
They can’t be trusted.
Red Flags & Warning Signs
There are tell-tale behaviors someone you know may be narcissistic:
They …
Criticize anything / everything about you.
Nothing you do is enough, right, or good enough.
Mock, humiliate, ridicule, insult, or provoke you in public.
Play the victim to get attention, sympathy, and manipulate others.
Destroy your confidence / self-esteem.
Rule and control every aspect of your life.
Monopolize your time.
Dominate conversations.
Interrupt you when you are part-way through a sentence.
Change the subject so the focus is back on them because they have to be the center of attention.
Grandstand to the migraine-inducing point where it feels like they are sucking the oxygen out of the room.
Lay down the law.
It’s their way – or the highway.
Are needy, insecure, jealous, and possessive.
Constantly demand excessive attention, praise, validation, affirmation, encouragement.
Are unreliable.
Say one thing but do something completely different.
Cancel plans at the last minute.
Are always competing, with everyone.
Always pick fights, with someone – anyone – for whatever reason.
Gaslight or attack you if you dare to call them out on their bad behavior.
Play mind games.
Cheat on you.
Drain you physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
Never accept responsibility.
Never admit they are wrong.
Never apologize.
Always project the blame onto you.
Use stonewalling, circular conversations, or the silent treatment, to shut you down and/or punish you.
Promise they’ll change … but never do.
You …
Sacrifice everything to please and appease them, but they’re still never satisfied or happy.
Can’t relax.
Feel you have to do everything.
Walk on egg shells to keep the peace.
Feel threatened.
Worry about your future.
Realist vs. Idealist
It’s one thing to be optimistic about the world and people, but it’s prudent to also be a mindful and cautious realist.
Being idealistic to the point where you are Pollyannaish, gullible, and naïve will make you easy prey.
The effects on survivors can be debilitating, adversely affecting them for the rest of their lives.
Some, unable to cope with their anxiety, or the effects of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), may turn to alcohol and substance abuse as a way of coping and numbing the pain.
We can’t tell just by looking at someone if they have an ulterior motive, with a selfish and dangerous intent.
But we can learn the red flags, the warning signs, someone could be a potential threat to us.
Knowing what to look for can save you years, maybe a lifetime, of pain and regret.
I know from experience.
It happened to me, too.
My books are my way of shining light on the problem of narcissism, pathological selfishness, and those who enable it.
If you are going through a controlling, abusive relationship, I empathize with you.
Be assured: there is help, life, hope, and freedom, beyond what you are going through.
Learn the red flags of relationships.
Observe their behavior.
Be vigilant.
Be mindful.
Be smart.
Narcissists don’t see the world as we do.
They don’t think, feel, or react, as we do.
They have no empathy or conscience.
Your pain means nothing to them.
They interpret your generosity, good nature, and pain as weakness and stupidity, flaws they will attempt to exploit.
They lie, to get their own way and take everything.
If it’s a romantic relationship, you will have to accept and come to terms with the cold, hard fact that the person you believed they were – never existed.
It was all a well-rehearsed act.
A lie.
A mask.
You can’t win.
They won’t listen.
They won’t change.
It’s not your fault.
Behind the mask, they are:
pathological liars
cunning
devious
treacherous
deceitful
jealous
petulant
spiteful
callous
malicious
sadistic
They believe they are somehow special and no one has any right to deny them what they want, or call them out on what they do.
Say no to a narcissist, deny them what they demand, refuse to go along, and you can expect rage.
A rant.
Tantrums.
A verbal tirade, peppered with foul language, lies and insults.
Emotional, verbal, and even physical violence.
To be made the subject of a smear campaign.
Have enablers and flying monkeys attempting to hoover you back into the madness.
In the end … they will turn on you.
What they did to you, they did to the one before you.
They will do it to the one after you.
It is a beautiful world and there are many good people.
But evil people are out there, too.
They hide behind a lethal mask of charm.
I learned the best solution to those who are toxic and have a personality disorder: just get out, walk away, and leave them behind.
Leave them, to themselves, to their misery, in the hell of their own making.
In The Breaker series, Seth eventually leaves Penny, moves on, recovers, and rebuilds his life.
I did.
You will, too.
The narcissist has no right to disrespect and treat you badly.
You don’t have to tolerate it.
Find the knowledge and wisdom, passion and strength, to rebuild yourself.
Make your life exceptional.
Free yourself from anyone who hurt you.
You survived and you will thrive.
You are not alone.
Stay strong and never give up.
In support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery:
June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD).
Recommended sites for research and recovery:
http://www.wnaad.com/
http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/
http://www.innerintegration.com/
http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/
https://kimsaeed.com/
https://www.psychopathfree.com/
https://eclecticalu.blogspot.com/
http://www.doctor-ramani.com/e
https://micheleleenieves.com/
https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/
https://www.tamiemcoaching.com/
https://addictionrehabtreatment.com/mentalhealth/anxiety/signs-and-symptoms-of-anxiety/
Twitter hashtags:
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