July 18, 2017
by Teresa Wright-Johnson
In Columns, Patiently Awakened - A Column by
Teresa Wright-Johnson.
I am an
emotional, sensitive woman. I like to believe that I have a warm heart in a
very cold world. Isn’t this what the world needs? Love, warmth, acceptance and
transparency?
Recently
I find that my emotions change within a millisecond. So, instead of being
sensitive, I am “super sensitive.” I am easily offended, and I also can be the
one who offends another. I cry more often. These emotional highs and lows are
exhausting. If I had to describe it, my emotions are entangled, like spaghetti.
A millisecond is defined as one thousandth of a second. With this definition in
mind, it is safe to say that my description of my emotions may be a little
exaggerated, yet I want to ensure that I paint a clear picture.
I can
proceed from a state of happiness, to anger and even despair within moments. We
each have different temperaments and reactions. I am finding that my patience
at times can diminish quickly. This, of course, places me in a quandary, as I
am on a quest to transform into a peaceful, grateful, “patiently awakened”
individual.
I have
spoken to others who battle chronic illness. Changes in emotions seem to be a
common denominator among us. I sometimes feel as if I am on the verge of an
emotional breakdown. It’s as if my emotions lead me to the apex of intolerance,
yet there is something that prevents me from losing it completely. If you can
imagine this, or if you’ve been here, this is extremely difficult to admit –
and even more toilsome to discuss.
Healthline
published an article written by Jeri Burtchell and Ana Gotter titled “Understanding
and Managing Multiple Sclerosis Mood Swings.” In the overview the writers
described the same emotions I mentioned and often experience. “You may be happy
one minute and angry the next … these are examples of mood swings, which are
common in some people with multiple sclerosis (MS).”
The
article goes on to state that “mood swings are a common symptom of MS. But the
connection between the disease and emotions often goes unrecognized. It’s easy
to see many of the physical effects of MS, such as problems with balance,
walking or tremors. In comparison, the emotional impact of the disease is less
visible from the outside.”
The
article resonated with me for several reasons. First, it reiterated that I am
not alone in my struggle. Second, most of my symptoms at this point in my
disease are not really visible. I suffer from extreme fatigue, severe pain,
restlessness, anxiety and additional things that others cannot see. I have been
told I hide it well. Living with invisible illness is complex and vexatious. We
often are “betrayed and reduced” by the “you look fine” syndrome, which we know
fails to encompass and respect our entire situation. We are always fighting a
battle.
It is
ironic that our emotional outbursts and mood swings often are taken out on
those we love the most, or those who are the closest to us. They see what the
public cannot envision. They witness our emotional struggles in real time and
they, too, are affected. I am sometimes guilty of this behavior and after my
outbursts I experience remorse.
At
times I regret something that I may have said in anger and I feel powerless as
my reactions subjugate my reasoning. If you haven’t realized yet, I am having a
moment where I feel completely exposed. I often say there is power in
vulnerability, and someone needs to hear that they, too, are not alone.
Yes, I
am positive and optimistic most of the time and I sincerely appreciate my life. However, I am made of flesh and in my humanness lies imperfection, anxiety,
fear and, of course, strength. Having MS and chronic illness is a difficult
walk. I could have or would have never imagined this; nonetheless I am here,
and this is my reality. This roller coaster of emotions is a ride that I do not
enjoy. I have to sit with myself and ride this out. I can hope only that these
mood swings will quell and, with proper assistance, I will better manage my
emotions that come with the disease.
“Understanding
and Managing Multiple Sclerosis Mood Swings” discusses methods of managing and
coping with these myriad emotions. “The first step in taming your MS related
mood swings is speaking with your doctor.” They go on to suggest steps we can
take to help control our moods such as getting support from others and things
we can do on our own.
In
conclusion, most of us will experience mood swings and intense emotional
changes. Again, we are not alone. We have multiple resources and we have each
other. Please remember that we are worth fighting for.
“I am the face of a survivor, I am all of my pain and
glory.
Not always picture perfect, Yet I am alive to tell my
story.”
(— from
“A Survivor’s Anthem” © Teresa I. Wright-Johnson)
In
support of Multiple Sclerosis research:
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NEVER GIVE UP!
