Jack Kost

Saturday, June 1, 2024

Excerpt from Psychopath Free, by Jackson MacKenzie:

A Letter to the Next Target:

In nearly every toxic relationship, there is another partner: the replacement. At first, this person is the main source of contention and hatred in your recovery journey. They are presumed to be the home-wrecker. They ran off happily with your soul mate, flaunting themselves all over Facebook for the world to see. You became the crazy, jealous ex. This person stole your dream.

But with time, you come to see that this person actually saved your life.

This is a letter for every “next target.” I’m not suggesting you send it to anyone. That wouldn’t accomplish a thing and would only serve to hurt you, pull you back in. But we all want to get to the point where we can write this letter, and I suspect we would all wish, in retrospect, that it was a letter we were sent.

Dear __________:

I cannot reach you directly, for it would only send me back into a world of insanity that I have no desire to revisit. But I can hope that you might come across this letter and learn that there are always two sides to every story. You have already been told one. Here is the other.

I hated you. I watched you run off with the love of my life, happily and shamelessly showing the world what you had done. It took me weeks to realize that the infidelity had been going on long before our relationship ended. It took me months to realize that my pain and tears were used as a device to manufacture your sympathy. And now it will take me years to recover from the insecurity that comes from being triangulated with another person.

But I do not hate you anymore. I fear for you.

Although we have different personalities, bodies, and spirits—when it comes to this relationship, we are no different.

You see, I once rode the high that you’re currently riding. I was the special one. The most beautiful, perfect, flawless partner in the world. I saved them from the pain inflicted by their last, crazy ex. I sympathized with them about how horribly they were treated. I was elated to be the one who finally made them happy after all of their alleged suffering. They were fascinated by me. They spent every waking moment texting me and showering me with attention.

Does this sound familiar?

One must wonder, in this short span of time, how I suddenly became crazy. Bipolar. Jealous. Needy. Clingy. Abusive. How did that happen? Is it really possible for a person to go from flawless to horrible in the blink of an eye? And furthermore, is it really possible that their previous ex was all of these things as well? And what about the ex before that?

The common denominator has become startlingly clear.

For so long, I punished myself. I truly believed that I deserved my pain. Something must be wrong with me, I thought, in order for them to run off into the sunset with another person. But then I realized, I was once that person. I was you.

And because of that, I understand that I can never save you from this nightmare. Victims of psychopaths cannot escape once they have been groomed. For the rest of your relationship, you will deny reality and invent reasons that you might be the exception. You will lie to yourself, desperately trying to re-create your perfect dream. But ever so slowly, your identity will begin to fall apart. They will push your boundaries until you don’t even know who you are anymore.

Another person will enter the scene. It is inevitable in relationships with narcissistic predators. You will be strung along for as long as possible, as I once was. Your increasingly volatile reactions will be used against you, to evoke sympathy from the new target.

And eventually, you will be me.

This is why I fear for you. I would not wish the pain and suffering I’ve experienced on anyone. I know that your intentions were not malicious. I know that you were being spoon-fed the exact same lies I believed a long time ago.

The story you’ve been told is false. It was a pity ploy, designed to enhance your fairy tale and consume your heart. You will not believe that today, but someday this letter will make sense. Brutal, heartbreaking sense.

I can only hope that the aftermath of your abuse might be guided by this letter. I can only hope that this might provide you with the tools that I was never given. A puzzle piece, to jump-start your journey.

I do not hate you. That is what they would want.

I will not carry on their legacy by taking part in these triangles anymore, injecting jealousy and hatred to fill the void of their soul.

I’ve made it through to the other side, and I know you can, too. Please have the same empathy for the person who replaces you. We can only ever stop this cycle of abuse with compassion for one another, by recognizing that all human beings deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and honesty.

Wishing you love, hope, and above all: freedom.

Jackson MacKenzie is the author of Psychopath Free & Whole Again:

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

In support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery.

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD).

Recommended websites for research and recovery:

http://www.wnaad.com/

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

http://www.innerintegration.com/

http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/

https://kimsaeed.com/

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

https://eclecticalu.blogspot.com/

https://micheleleenieves.com/

https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/

Twitter hashtags:

#AbuseByProxy #Adultery #AgainstBullying #BackStabbers #ClusterB #CPTSD #Enablers #FlirtingIsCheating #FlyingMonkeys #Gaslighting #HealingFromCPTSD #IAmEnough #IAmStillStanding #IfMyWoundsWereVisible #Infidelity #MicroAggression #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #Narcissist #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticSupply #Psychopath #PsychopathFree #SmearCampaign #Sociopath #ThrivingAfterNarcissisticAbuse #TwoFaced #WNAAD

How to Tell You're Dealing with a Malignant Narcissist:

The intentional destruction of others while pathologically loving self.

By Rhonda Freeman Ph.D.

Posted February 22, 2017

Narcissistic personality disorder is often equated with the selfie-loving, shallow boaster who wears on your patience. However, there is significantly more to the condition. Their behavior and mood are often dependent and driven by feedback from their environment; they typically need the message from others to be a positive one. The impression they wish to make and the intense guarding of their fragile self esteem is a strong determinant of their actions and thoughts.

Some narcissists can become stricken with anger, anxiety, depression, shame, and so forth if the information they receive does not match their inflated, protected inner self. From a neuropsychological standpoint, narcissistic personality disorder reflects problems with self and emotion regulation.

People who meet diagnostic criteria can have extremely fragile and fluctuating self esteem. There is a detachment from their true self. The condition often has a negative impact on the lives of people who love or interact with them.

Symptoms

Narcissistic personality disorder includes symptoms such as poor self identity, inability to appreciate others, entitlement, lack of authenticity, need for control, intolerance of the views/opinions of others, emotional detachment, grandiosity, lack of awareness or concern regarding the impact of their behavior, minimal emotional reciprocity, and a desperate need for the approval and positive attention of others.

Not everyone with pathological narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder will have the same presentation of the condition. There is heterogeneity, of course, because people are complex. There are differing levels of intensity and dimensions. For example, some with pathological narcissism are shy and avoidant (vulnerable), while others are primarily outgoing and overtly boastful (grandiose).

Cluster B Personality Disorders

Narcissistic personality disorder falls under the category of Cluster B Personality Disorders within the DSM-5. The conditions under this grouping include Borderline Personality, Narcissistic Personality, Histrionic Personality, and Antisocial Personality. Psychopathy, a condition marked by a lack of conscience, incapacity to bond, aggression, and interpersonal violations, is a subgroup within Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Although the disorders are distinct and reflect different categories of symptoms, it would not be unusual for someone to have symptoms of more than one Cluster B condition. As many psychologists and psychiatrists will attest, the personality profile of our patients does not always fit into a nice little box. There can be traits of other personality disorders that accompany the main condition. Take, for example, the combination of narcissistic and antisocial personality in describing malignant narcissism.

Self-Enhancement

"I am so smart! My IQ is above140."

Self-enhancement is a prominent feature of narcissistic personality disorder, regardless of the dimension. They view themselves in an overly positive light and believe they are unique and superior to others. In a meta-analysis review, researchers Grijalva and Zhang explored the insight of individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. The studies supported that people high in narcissism tend to over-estimate or exaggerate their abilities, status (for example, intelligence), and looks, more than could be supported by reality.

They believe they are better than other people, and usually the variables that are self-enhanced are related to "power and status" (agency). Even if evidence to the contrary is presented, such as the results of an IQ test. Often that reality will be challenged, rather than accepted. They might become extremely defensive and verbally attack or degrade the examiner who gave the test or the test itself ("What a stupid test!"). Indisputable evidence of their inaccurate, overly inflated self-assessment does not change the self-view of someone high in narcissism.

Vulnerability

"Make them believe I'm smart and handsome. I won't stand for anything else!"

In Section III of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, Fifth Edition ("Alternative DSM-5 Model for Personality Disorders"), conditions associated with personality are conceptualized differently from the current diagnostic criteria. Consideration is given to both an individual's "functioning" as well as personality "traits" and are considered along a continuum, with dimensions. As a clinician, I find this approach more in line with the complexity of human behavior.

With regard to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Section III highlights that people with this condition have "vulnerable self-esteem." This is regardless of whether the person is extroverted or introverted, or of the "vulnerable" or "grandiose" variants. They require regulation from the outside world to maintain many facets of the self. Therefore, they often use people to stabilize their emotions and the feelings they have regarding who they are and what they want to do or be.

The Brain, Pathological Narcissism, and Empathy

Research indicates that individuals diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder have some of the neurobiological impairments of psychopathy. This makes sense, given that narcissistic personality disorder is suspected to fall along a spectrum that includes psychopathy. One neuroimaging study found those with narcissistic personality disorder to have problems associated with the right anterior insular cortex — a region of the brain suspected to be associated with empathy.

In a 2013 publication, using neuroimaging, researchers from the University of Germany examined the brain patterns of individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. They yielded similar findings to the aforementioned study. The group that met criteria for the condition demonstrated smaller gray matter volume within areas of the brain associated with "emotional empathy" (the anterior insula and the fronto-paralimbic areas).

Neuroscience studies of this nature lend considerable evidence that people with pathological narcissism have limited capacity to interact pro-socially with society. Faulty brain functions are a significant hindrance.

Dimensions of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

There is more to narcissism than intensity levels. Studies have identified the presence of dimensions. Some researchers refer to them as variants or subtypes, however Kenneth Levy's 2012 review of the literature suggests it is likely most accurate to view the variants of this condition as dimensions and "dynamic." This reflects the reality of narcissistic personality disorder, whereby an individual can show patterns of more than one variant. The two most commonly described dimensions or variants in research are grandiose and vulnerable:

Grandiose. The descriptors often offered for this pattern of narcissism are extroversion, overt attention seeking, and grandiosity.
Vulnerable. This reflects a neurotic style whereby an individual demonstrates a quieter/introverted presentation, anxiety, mood problems, avoidance, and modesty.

·        Malignant Narcissism

·        I want to explore with you the darker side of narcissistic personality disorder, where aggression, antisocial behaviors, and suspiciousness are as prominent as their poor sense of self, fragility, and egocentricity. (Below is a video clip that explores the symptoms of malignant narcissism.)

·        A person with malignant narcissism has the potential to destroy families, communities, nations, and work environments. This condition reflects a hybrid or blending of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders. Psychologist Eric Fromm termed the disorder in 1964. Psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg later delineated the symptoms of the condition and presented it as an intermediary between narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders.

·        Why is the behavior of malignant narcissism often considered dangerous?

·        Individuals with this profile can form connections with others. However, they process information in ways that can hurt society in general, but also the people who love or depend on them. Family, co-workers, employees, and others in their lives often have to walk on eggshells to appease a fragile ego and minimize the occurrence of their unstable, impulsive, or aggressive behaviors.

·        They lash out or humiliate others for infractions of even the most frivolous nature (for example, you gave an opinion that differed from theirs; you demonstrated confidence, and it made them look bad; you told a joke that involved poking fun at them).

·        For some, their grandiosity and protection of their fragile "true self" can be at such extreme levels that they will lie and give the impression that simply because they say it, that makes it reality. Many will become angered if their lies are challenged with truth or facts. Of course, this can create problems for the people close to them, as this pattern of behavior can easily veer into gaslighting.

·        Malignant narcissism is a blend of two disorders that pose problems interpersonally for their victims — narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders. It is not uncommon for others to feel anxious, intimidated by, and fearful of people with this condition. The combination of poor empathy coupled with aggression, hypersensitivity, and suspiciousness can bring pain to others.

·        Those who interact with malignant narcissists often consider them jealous, petty, thin-skinned, punitive, hateful, cunning, and angry. Given their shallowness, they are not regulated emotionally and have beliefs that swing from one extreme to the next.

·        Their decisions can hurt others, because they rank relationships and people based on superficial standards and categories. They want to land on top, even when pretending to be altruistic or engaging in an activity that should not be "all about them." They often view the world through a primitive binary lens (for example, winner/loser; smart/dumb; rich/poor; pretty/ugly; black/white) — all the while sustaining the belief that they are superior. This is likely associated with problems processing emotional information, which reflects faulty neurobiology.

·        Narcissistic and Antisocial Personality Disorder (subgroup inclusion of Psychopathy)

·        Researchers Gunderson and Ronningstam reviewed the works of Robert Hare, creator of the Psychopathy Checklist, and Otto Kernberg, MD (i.e., malignant narcissism). They cited that both individuals found narcissistic personality disorder to be a component of or veer into other conditions that are related, such as antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy.

·        Both Hare and Kernberg discuss the inclusion of narcissistic personality disorder within more sinister, destructive personality types. Given that it seems there is a high correlation between antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders, Gunderson and Ronningstam decided to explore whether or not narcissistic personality disorder is truly a condition that is distinct from antisocial personality.

·        They found that grandiosity was a significant discriminator between antisocial and narcissistic personality. Specifically, individuals with narcissistic personality tended to be “boastful,” arrogant, and grandiose regarding their abilities and achievements. Although they determined that both groups (ASPD and NPD) exploit others, exploitation was more apt to be the goal of those with antisocial personality.

·        Although I have presented the viewpoint of a narcissism spectrum, some researchers take the angle of an antisocial spectrum, while others consider each of the Cluster B disorders as overlapping.

·        I am in agreement with research that conceptualizes personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality and antisocial personality, as falling along a continuum. Across the continuum or spectrum will be different blends of the disorder, distinct, however, composed of symptoms of each other. I think that the overlap is often significant, and the current categorical classifications of personality often leave out blends of personality that we see with our patients — for example, malignant narcissism, psychopathy with borderline traits, introverted narcissism.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neurosagacity/201702/how-tell-youre

dealing-malignant-narcissist

In support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery.

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD).

Recommended websites for research and recovery:

http://www.wnaad.com/

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

http://www.innerintegration.com/

http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/

https://kimsaeed.com/

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

https://eclecticalu.blogspot.com/

https://micheleleenieves.com/

https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/

Twitter hashtags:

#AbuseByProxy #Adultery #AgainstBullying #BackStabbers #ClusterB #CPTSD #Enablers #FlirtingIsCheating #FlyingMonkeys #Gaslighting #HealingFromCPTSD #IAmEnough #IAmStillStanding #IfMyWoundsWereVisible #Infidelity #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #Narcissist #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Psychopath #PsychopathFree #SmearCampaign #Sociopath #ThrivingAfterNarcissisticAbuse #TwoFaced #WNAAD

Excerpt from Psychopath Free, by Jackson MacKenzie:

In support of Narcissistic Abuse awareness and recovery.

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD).

Recommended websites for research and recovery:

http://www.wnaad.com/

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

http://www.innerintegration.com/

http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/

https://kimsaeed.com/

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

https://eclecticalu.blogspot.com/

https://micheleleenieves.com/

https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/

Twitter hashtags:

#AbuseByProxy #Adultery #AgainstBullying #BackStabbers #ClusterB #CPTSD #Enablers #FlirtingIsCheating #FlyingMonkeys #Gaslighting #HealingFromCPTSD #IAmEnough #IAmStillStanding #IfMyWoundsWereVisible #Infidelity #MicroAggression #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #Narcissist #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticSupply #Psychopath #PsychopathFree #SmearCampaign #Sociopath #ThrivingAfterNarcissisticAbuse #TwoFaced #WNAAD

This Is What You Take From Them When You Cheat:

By Kirsten Corley

June 12th 2017

When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. – The Kite Runner.

When I sat across the table listening as she told me the story of her breakup, the words cheating left me hating someone I didn’t even know. Here before me sat this beautiful girl inside and out and the only thought that crossed my mind was how could anyone cheat on someone like you? The next thought that crossed my mind was it’s his loss.

But I listened to fine details as she questioned herself like it was her fault. Like it was something she did wrong. Like she was to blame for someone’s inability to see her worth and value. And as she ran over details questioning everything and I watched as she broke before me. I saw firsthand the effects cheating had on someone. And all I wanted to do was hug her and tell her his loss will be someone’s gain. But I knew in my heart she wouldn’t believe me because he didn’t just take away a relationship from her, he took so much more in an act selfishness.

When you cheat what you take away from someone is their self-confidence. Suddenly they are looking at their reflection like there’s something they need to improve on and change.

When you cheat what you take away from someone is their self-respect. You made them look like a fool because you couldn’t be loyal.

When you cheat what you take away from someone is the right to the truth. Suddenly everything in the past feels like a lie as they run over details that used to make them smile, they can’t anymore.

When you cheat what you take away from someone is disbelieving in love. Because what you teach them is it’s a lie. And they never fully get over that or let someone that close in the future.

I sat on a barstool across the table from my ex and I knew I’d come for answers that would be hard to hear. Maybe that’s why I didn’t cry when he owned up to everything. Maybe that’s why I didn’t flinch when he admitted it. Maybe that’s why I sat there calmly with a mature response I didn’t know I had in me at 21. “If you are learning from this experience even if it’s at the cost of breaking my heart and it makes you better for the next relationship then that’s all I can hope for.”

When you cheat what you take away from someone are nights of sleep as they toss and turn because the truth completely blindsided and traumatized them.

When you cheat what you take away from someone is their happiness because you were this person who made them so happy but all of that is gone now and there is this cold reality it was never real, to begin with.

When you cheat what you take away from someone is trusting anyone because no matter how many compliments you gave them something tells them it wasn’t enough and that’s why you weren’t loyal.

When you cheat what you leave them with is a crippling pain as they break down at random times during the day feeling completely ashamed of it. Because you don’t just get over someone cheating that easily.

I looked at her as I ordered a drink smiling. Then I looked at him across the room. Part of me wanted to tell her what I knew. Girl code. She deserved the truth. But she also deserved better. I just didn’t want to be the one to break it to her. I knew it wasn’t in my place. I knew karma or fate would eventually reveal the ugly cards he was playing in some game he thought he made up the rules to. So, I said thank you and I walked away.

When you cheat you ruin them. You destroy them. You leave them insecure. You leave them doubting themselves.

When you cheat what you leave them with is a strength they didn’t even know they had and they know they can overcome anything.

When you cheat what you leave them with is a new found self and being so cautious no one will ever hurt them that way again.

When you cheat what you leave them with is knowing it was your loss this whole time and not theirs.

When you cheat what you leave them with is an opportunity and a chance to meet someone who would never even think to cheat on them because your mistake is someone’s prayers finally answered.

When you cheat you give them a happy ending you didn’t deserve to be a part of in the first place.

So, cheat if you want to. Lie. Sneak around. But know the truth, no matter how coy you think you are, always will get revealed. And in the end, it’s you who ends up alone and eventually, you will get a taste of your own medicine.

Kirsten Corley is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.